Step Five

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

For some reason, I’m having issues writing up Step Five. In some ways, this has been a traumatic step for me. In other ways, it has been a place of great healing. There is a saying that I have found to be true: “we are only as sick as our secrets.” In Step Five, we let out all our secrets, we let out all of our shame.

My first fifth step was not a good experience. It wasn’t horrible, just not good. This was an Al-Anon fifth step with a Al-Anon member. That first fifth tends to be filled with shame and blame, and all my shame centered around my drinking and the bad behavior I had during that time. First off, I did a life story. She didn’t give me any response during the telling of that story; she just provided me a list of my character defects at the end. She didn’t comprehend my issues, though she did her best to be accepting. I walked away feeling a little better, but not really feeling lightened.

My second fifth, my AA fifth, was different. I did my fourth the AA Big Book way. We talked about each incident. She explained how I wasn’t alone. She helped me see my part clearly. Now, that was freeing.

I don’t think I really felt comfortable giving a fifth step until I had taken one, though. People tend to have a few common worries with fifth steps: will they think I’m awful, will they still love me, and will they tell anyone. I found that this amazing thing happens. First off, I have never walked out of a fifth thinking someone bad or disgusting or loving them less. Instead, I am usually filled with an incredible love for them. Secondly, I seem to have a magical forgetter on most things. I cannot tell you how often a sponsee has said, “I told you in my fifth step,” and I didn’t have a clue.

Today, if I have an issue, I make sure I talk to someone about it because I truly do believe I’m only as sick as my secrets. Also remember, we can only change us, never someone else. So, if you have someone who knows how to see your part (if it is only accepting that they are an asshole), that helps tremendously.

To work Step Five, simply tell someone your secrets, ideally someone who can help you work through them: a counselor, a minister, or a sponsor. I encourage you NOT to tell someone who is involved with your life like a spouse, a family member or a close friend.

Meditation
Sit quietly. Focus on willingness and courage. Allow them to infuse your very being. If you don't know who to talk to, ask for someone who can play this part for you.

Affirmation
I am willing to heal my secrets.