Believing the Lie

I have been working on being self- and fat- accepting for over seven years, and today was the first time I realized gaining weight was no big deal. Being ok with being fat is not something that happens overnight. Being ok with gaining weight takes even longer.

At the same time that I quit dieting, I became very sick with a thyroid disease which made me gain a lot of weight fast. Where most people go through the trying to devour the world phase in months, because of the thyroid disease, it took me years. I gained 100 pounds during that time. I prayed and prayed for God to take me to the size I could best serve, but it was a hard time, a time when I was very scared.

A couple of things happened at the same time, and I’m not sure which was the turning point. I finally got my medication stabilized. At almost the same time, I realized I had set up yet another “I will be too fat when…” scenario. You know, those mind games we play with ourselves: “I’ll just die if I hit 200 (250, 300, etc.) pounds;” “If I had to wear a 26 (20, 30, etc.), I would never leave the house;” or “I couldn’t show my face if I had a double-chin.” Mine was, “I will be too fat if I can’t buy clothes in brick and mortar stores.” In response to this thought, I started eating – a lot. So, I made a choice. I was not going to be scared of fat any longer. I decided to give myself full permission to eat. There are folks out there who can’t buy clothes in stores. I guessed I needed to know what that was like.

And my eating IMMEDIATELY went back to a healthy level. I didn’t gain any more weight. In fact, I lost a little. I settled into a set point that tends to range between 275-295 (as best I can tell. I only weigh a couple of times a year) and size 24-28. That was about 4 years ago. Though I lose and gain within that range, I have not moved out of it in years.

Yet, I still got excited when I lost weight and still became disappointed when I gained. But, I continued to practice loving myself. I continued to thank God for self-acceptance and to practice detaching from my weight. I came to understand that the idea of "I'll be happier if I was smaller" is a lie.

I think the desire for thinness and the fear of weight gain is kind of like the desire for a drink for an alcoholic. An alcoholic can, even after long term sobriety, continue to hold a little glimmer of that internal desire to drink somewhere in the back of their mind. Every once in awhile, while watching a beer commercial or seeing a non-alcoholic friend drink, the thought might dance across the alcoholics mind: “Maybe I could drink normally now.” If the alcoholic is in fit spiritual condition, they know that thought for the lie it is. If they are not in good spiritual condition, they might just believe the lie and drink.

So, if we are in fit spiritual condition, we can see the idea of “I would be happier if I were thinner” as the lie it is. When we are healthy in spirit, we can see weight gain as just the natural ebb and flow of fat in our bodies. Or we can look for physical causes behind it – without getting depressed or upset.

I don’t know if I will ever completely get rid of the desire to be thinner. Today, I know that, if I were thinner, it wouldn’t bring me the things I thought it would. Oh, and by the way, I am INCREDIBLY grateful that I am the size I am today. I would never have known how a death fat person felt, such an important element of my life, without being one myself.

Thank you, God, for my fat today. And may I accept whatever changes happen in my body without depression, upset or excitement.

(I wrote this last summer. The excitement at losing weight and the upset at gaining get a little less all the time. At this point, though I still feel them, they really barely affect me.)