Step Five

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

For some reason, I’m having issues writing up Step Five. In some ways, this has been a traumatic step for me. In other ways, it has been a place of great healing. There is a saying that I have found to be true: “we are only as sick as our secrets.” In Step Five, we let out all our secrets, we let out all of our shame.

My first fifth step was not a good experience. It wasn’t horrible, just not good. This was an Al-Anon fifth step with a Al-Anon member. That first fifth tends to be filled with shame and blame, and all my shame centered around my drinking and the bad behavior I had during that time. First off, I did a life story. She didn’t give me any response during the telling of that story; she just provided me a list of my character defects at the end. She didn’t comprehend my issues, though she did her best to be accepting. I walked away feeling a little better, but not really feeling lightened.

My second fifth, my AA fifth, was different. I did my fourth the AA Big Book way. We talked about each incident. She explained how I wasn’t alone. She helped me see my part clearly. Now, that was freeing.

I don’t think I really felt comfortable giving a fifth step until I had taken one, though. People tend to have a few common worries with fifth steps: will they think I’m awful, will they still love me, and will they tell anyone. I found that this amazing thing happens. First off, I have never walked out of a fifth thinking someone bad or disgusting or loving them less. Instead, I am usually filled with an incredible love for them. Secondly, I seem to have a magical forgetter on most things. I cannot tell you how often a sponsee has said, “I told you in my fifth step,” and I didn’t have a clue.

Today, if I have an issue, I make sure I talk to someone about it because I truly do believe I’m only as sick as my secrets. Also remember, we can only change us, never someone else. So, if you have someone who knows how to see your part (if it is only accepting that they are an asshole), that helps tremendously.

To work Step Five, simply tell someone your secrets, ideally someone who can help you work through them: a counselor, a minister, or a sponsor. I encourage you NOT to tell someone who is involved with your life like a spouse, a family member or a close friend.

Meditation
Sit quietly. Focus on willingness and courage. Allow them to infuse your very being. If you don't know who to talk to, ask for someone who can play this part for you.

Affirmation
I am willing to heal my secrets.

More

Sorry, folks, for being gone so long. My life has had some tremendous upheaval in the last month, but it should be getting back to a new routine shortly. I recommit to at least a post a weak. And I’ll go back and talk about Step 5 this month as well as Step 6.

Right now, though, I want to talk about the desire for more. I have had a few big changes this last month, including starting to become much more physical and having access to healthier foods. Where I was sitting at the top of my set-point range, I have dropped a little weight. The amazing thing: even with the years I have in Fat Acceptance, give me a little weight loss, and I find myself wanting more.

I often hear newbies (and some long-timers) to the Fatosphere say “I just want to reach a healthy weight.” I think we fool ourselves when we say this. For me, a little weight loss always leads to the desire for more. It’s almost a drug. If I allow myself to focus on it, I will be consumed by the desire for more and more and more. I can never have enough weight loss to satisfy my ego.

I have seen this scenario in my past. During a break-up, I lost an incredible amount of weight – down into the normal range (which, for me, is quite thin). For the first time in my life, I was normal weight. However, my body is built with hips and thighs. So, I went to Weight Watchers to “lose that last 10 pounds.” I remember being shocked when they discouraged me from the program. Couldn’t they see I had more to lose? (Just an FYI, the weight came back on really quick soon after.)

Part of this is the desire to be accepted can be very seductive. When you are fat, it can be a challenge just to leave the house. Fat prejudice surrounds us. I am a confident person, yet I still deal with fat prejudice regularly. Some days, I do long to fit in. But the truth is: I would not give up who I am and what I am doing for anything or anyone. That longing may be there and may strike me for a moment, but overall I am content to be who I am, and a big part of that is FAT. So, for me, this is one of those lies my ego tells me to get me into insanity (dieting and weight loss behavior).

I will probably only drop a little fat; if I go to the bottom of my set point I’ll drop about 10% of my body weight. If I focus on weight loss, I will get disappointed and stop my healthy activities when the weight loss stops. If I focus on how I feel, then the healthy behavior can continue long after I have stopped losing weight. This scenario is why HAES is such an important concept. Good things are going on in my body. I am getting more active and eating healthier. If I start focusing on weight loss, health usually goes out the window.

What I am doing right now is practicing separating those feelings from the desire for weight loss. My focus is to enjoy the healthier body, whatever weight it settles in at. So, how do I do this? Well, for now, I am affirming the positive changes in my body without affirming weight loss. When I look into the mirror, I say to myself “I am getting stronger,” “I have more energy,” and “I am feeling healthier,” rather than focusing on any aspects of a smaller body. I remind myself that I love the feeling of being healthier, rather than reminding myself that I love the feeling of weight loss.

Healthier bodies are good things. We just have to watch out for the desire for “more.”