I tend to talk about food and to eat in public. I do this as an act of rebellion and fat activism. A woman eating in public and relishing her food is almost unheard of in our society. A fat woman eating in public and relishing her food is an act of rebellion. Fat men may have much the same experience in these days of the obesity epidemic.
Food is such a laden topic and experience for the fat person. Almost everyone I eat with notices what I eat. Few will say anything, but I get “the look”: the look of disapproval if I eat anything even slightly “fattening” or “unhealthy” or the look of approval if I eat lightly. Complete strangers judge my eating. I have a pretty strong don’t-mess-with-me air, so few actually say anything. However, I know lots of fat people who do get comments.
People can be very uncomfortable when I enjoy eating, especially fat people. One day, I was standing around with a group of acquaintances talking about local restaurants. Suddenly, my fat office mate said to me in an anguished voice, “will you please stop talking about food!” I realized that he was embarrassed for me, being ashamed of a fat person talking about food. I can’t remember what I responded at the time, but I made a conscious choice to continue talking about food in front of him. And he squirmed every time.
Part of the reason I talk about food is to reclaim pleasure. In our Puritan society, no one is supposed to actually enjoy anything – especially not women, and fat women even less. We have so much fear of our appetites; we have so much fear of allowing ourselves to enjoy life (I’ve written about this before when I wrote on Practicing Joy).
Part of the reason I talk about food is to give others the right and opportunity to do so as well. Often, fat bloggers will talk about food with relish. I believe that is because we are denied this simple pleasure in our society. Whenever I talk about food with people outside of FA, our conversation is fraught with tension. I love being able to talk about food here without all of the undercurrents.
So, if you want to be a fat activist today, try eating in public. Believe you have the right to eat: the right to eat the food your body wants, the right to enjoy that food, the right to eat as little or as much as you so desire. I encourage you to practice this act of rebellion. I have found it to a freeing experience.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Validation
I’ve been on the Fatosphere for a long time – back before it was the Fatosphere, in fact. We have some common conversations that come around every once in awhile – should diet talk be allowed, what is a fat activist, to HAES or not to HAEs, etc. -- and the death fat vs. in-betweenie vs. non-fat is a common one.
I understand this argument perhaps better than others. I spent most of my life as an in-betweenie. Then, I got sick and gained 100 pounds. Now, I am death fat. I also sponsor a number of women with eating disorders – they seem to like the way I approach body stuff, so I have a pretty good idea of the issues even a traditionally beautiful woman can face regarding body acceptance. Every size has its own worries and fears, its own horrors and horribleness. Yes, we are all in this together. But, yet, our experiences are as different as we are individual.
So, how can we get beyond this conversation? I’ve heard that “every problem comes bearing its own solution.” This problem is no exception. In fact, usually when we embrace a solution, we are stronger and not weaker in the end.
I think it may boil down to validation. We want our pain acknowledged. We want another to understand, “I hurt!” We want another to see inside and tell us we are ok anyway. What if we all just validated each other’s experiences? Could we maybe move beyond this?
As a death fat, part of me cringes at the thought. I KNOW that being death fat is a whole different experience that being an in-betweenie or a non-fat. And I’m scared my own experiences will be invalidated by this, that we will lose our focus as a community, and that a space that is precious to me will become yet another location for women to talk about how much they hate their thighs. The idea scares me a great deal. But most acts of Love the Power usually do at first. Then I see the incredible outcomes and get reminded that Love is always the solution.
I have been told to “let it begin with me.” Every time I chose to love, whatever the other person does, I will feel better about myself. Often, I see great changes as well. I am reminded of lines from what is often called The Eleventh Step Prayer (the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi):
It just may be that when I choose to validate another, they may be more open to hearing my experience. I'm thinking that, by trying to understand their pain, they may be more willing to hear my pain. And, together, we may be better able to work towards acceptance for all.
So, for awhile, I’m going to try something. When someone shares with me their body angst, no matter what their size, I am going to validate it – without trying to share my own. I’m going to try and understand what THEY feel, what they have gone through, rather than trying to explain the experiences of a death fat individual. Am I sure this will work? No, I’m not. But I believe in experimenting. And, since an experiment always works better with a bigger data pool, care to join me?
I understand this argument perhaps better than others. I spent most of my life as an in-betweenie. Then, I got sick and gained 100 pounds. Now, I am death fat. I also sponsor a number of women with eating disorders – they seem to like the way I approach body stuff, so I have a pretty good idea of the issues even a traditionally beautiful woman can face regarding body acceptance. Every size has its own worries and fears, its own horrors and horribleness. Yes, we are all in this together. But, yet, our experiences are as different as we are individual.
So, how can we get beyond this conversation? I’ve heard that “every problem comes bearing its own solution.” This problem is no exception. In fact, usually when we embrace a solution, we are stronger and not weaker in the end.
I think it may boil down to validation. We want our pain acknowledged. We want another to understand, “I hurt!” We want another to see inside and tell us we are ok anyway. What if we all just validated each other’s experiences? Could we maybe move beyond this?
As a death fat, part of me cringes at the thought. I KNOW that being death fat is a whole different experience that being an in-betweenie or a non-fat. And I’m scared my own experiences will be invalidated by this, that we will lose our focus as a community, and that a space that is precious to me will become yet another location for women to talk about how much they hate their thighs. The idea scares me a great deal. But most acts of Love the Power usually do at first. Then I see the incredible outcomes and get reminded that Love is always the solution.
I have been told to “let it begin with me.” Every time I chose to love, whatever the other person does, I will feel better about myself. Often, I see great changes as well. I am reminded of lines from what is often called The Eleventh Step Prayer (the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi):
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
It just may be that when I choose to validate another, they may be more open to hearing my experience. I'm thinking that, by trying to understand their pain, they may be more willing to hear my pain. And, together, we may be better able to work towards acceptance for all.
So, for awhile, I’m going to try something. When someone shares with me their body angst, no matter what their size, I am going to validate it – without trying to share my own. I’m going to try and understand what THEY feel, what they have gone through, rather than trying to explain the experiences of a death fat individual. Am I sure this will work? No, I’m not. But I believe in experimenting. And, since an experiment always works better with a bigger data pool, care to join me?
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Having a Human Experience
I am the sayings queen, and one I love particularly goes like this:
I remember the day I thought, “Why would I ever want to have a human experience?”
I do believe that I am primarily a spiritual being. I also believe that I have chosen this human experience. As to why, I have been able to look at everything in my life -- the horrors, the sadness, the griefs, the joys, the hopes, the dreams -- and been able to find a spiritual reason for all of them. So, I sat here asking myself “why would I ever choose to be fat? What spiritual purpose could I get out of such an experience?”
What spiritual purpose? Beau coups of them! I am learning to love myself when others say I am unlovable. I am learning not to base my belief in my own worthiness on another’s opinions. I am learning to listen to my body, my mind and my soul and tell the difference between all three. I am learning to listen with my heart – to hear pain in a person’s words instead of hate. I am learning to have compassion for those who treat me poorly. I am learning to show others how to love themselves, no matter what. I am learning forgiveness on a grand scale. Such lessons, lessons that I could only learn as one who is in some form outcast.
If I will look at my life from spiritual perspective, then this human experience makes sense. If I will look at my life that way, even being fat makes sense.
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.
I remember the day I thought, “Why would I ever want to have a human experience?”
I do believe that I am primarily a spiritual being. I also believe that I have chosen this human experience. As to why, I have been able to look at everything in my life -- the horrors, the sadness, the griefs, the joys, the hopes, the dreams -- and been able to find a spiritual reason for all of them. So, I sat here asking myself “why would I ever choose to be fat? What spiritual purpose could I get out of such an experience?”
What spiritual purpose? Beau coups of them! I am learning to love myself when others say I am unlovable. I am learning not to base my belief in my own worthiness on another’s opinions. I am learning to listen to my body, my mind and my soul and tell the difference between all three. I am learning to listen with my heart – to hear pain in a person’s words instead of hate. I am learning to have compassion for those who treat me poorly. I am learning to show others how to love themselves, no matter what. I am learning forgiveness on a grand scale. Such lessons, lessons that I could only learn as one who is in some form outcast.
If I will look at my life from spiritual perspective, then this human experience makes sense. If I will look at my life that way, even being fat makes sense.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Step 3
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
Previous discussions on Step 1 and Step 2
The important part of Step 3 is the decision. This isn’t a decision to trust God fully. This isn’t a decision to believe what you have been told about God. This is simply a decision to explore, to attempt, to make a conscious effort in believing that there might be something bigger out there. We often express this willingness by saying the Third Step Prayer:
God, I offer myself to you to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of your Power, your Love, and your Way of life. May I do your will always!
In my experience, Step 3 is where the issues with God really show up. If God is unloving or nonexistent, how can I turn my life over? So, to work Step 3 a person has to find a way to see a God that can be trusted. I encourage any sponsees who struggle with this to explore their idea of God. If we see God as a father and had an abusive father, how on earth can we trust such a God?
My belief on the concept of a Higher Power: I have trouble conceiving the size of the solar system, let alone a universe filled with billions of galaxies filled with billions of solar systems. How am I going to comprehend something that just might be bigger than that? That being the case, we are trying to understand the un-understandable. So, how can belief be anything but personal? However a person conceives of a HP, if it works for them, great.
I don’t turn my will and my life over to my HP because I want to be GOOD. Being a good girl has never worked for me--that's a great way to bring out my rebel. I turn my will and my life over because I like the results. I feel better about me. My life tends to work better. I tend to enjoy life more.
Finally, let’s look at Step 3 in terms of body acceptance. I had to turn my body and my attitudes about my body over to my HP. I can do that by changing the wording of the prayer: "I offer my (body, attitudes towards my body, feelings about my body, etc.) to you." I practice trusting and having faith that my body has a purpose.
The key to Step 3 is willingness. Even the littlest bit of willingness to believe that there might be something out there with more power than me is enough to succeed at this Step.
Here is one way to work Step 3:
Meditation: Imagine you are a child. Where are you? What are you doing? What are you feeling? Try to be a little child again. Try to be in that place. Immediately go into the following writing exercise:
- Finish the statement “God is…”
- Write down the characteristics of your Higher Power as you want God to be. What do you need in a Higher Power? What are the ideal characteristics of your Higher Power?
- Compare the two. Looking at this comparison, how might you need to change your view of a HP in order to trust that Power?
- Say the Third Step Prayer every day for at least two weeks (longer if you can)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Too Much
Fat people are often accused of taking too much: taking up too much space, taking too much food, taking up too many health resources. We have been seen as over consumers on all levels, just taking, taking, taking. The glutton. The pig. The overeater.
To combat this when I was younger, I tried to take as little as possible. I played the martyr, even thinking I didn’t deserved to breathe air others might need. I seldom ate around others, unless there was an over-abundance of food. I tried to take up as little space as possible, trying desperately to make myself small in size and in personality.
When I entered recovery, I found the freedom to be me. I have a big personality; slowly I let that personality out more and more. Now, I normally make my presence known quickly and easily. I have learned that I deserve my fare share, be it health care or food. I do try to be giving, because I like the feeling giving with an open heart brings. However, giving is no longer a means of buying my right to live. I give because I love to give.
If you have not guessed already, I believe in affirmations, prayer and affirmative prayer. In the beginning, when I first started working on this notion of taking up space, I found I had to use all three of those actions to convince myself that I did deserve. I can remember reminding myself over and over again, “I have the right to take up space. I have the right to be treated as human. I have the right to breathe air.”
When I finally allowed myself to exist wholly, I then discovered that I needed to be me, and I do more than just take up space. The affirmation I used at that time was “be real and shine God.” As I practiced this, I did shine. I started becoming the center of attention at times. Other times, I was a leader. Seldom did I not play some part in every situation I found myself in. I spoke up. I spoke out. I TOOK UP A WHOLE LOT OF SPACE. But, because I knew I deserved it, I went ahead a spread my wings. I knew that a fat woman who loved herself and shined that message gave a great gift to the world. And most of the time today, people admire me for being myself.
I have heard a great definition of humility: being right sized. I am just as incorrect to think I am less than others to think that I am more. When I practice humility, I know longer feel less than. I also don’t need to be more than. I can just be and allow others to be also. With humility, everyone has the right to be themselves.
People seldom try to tell me that I don’t deserve to take up space these days. I’ve notice that, on the few occasions such things happen, it comes when I already feel down about myself. When I question my own right to exist, it seems that others do, too. When I know I have the basic rights of other humans, others seem to acknowledge that I do as well.
You don’t need to be a leader or a big personality unless that is who you feel you are. However, I want to encourage you to remind yourself today: You deserve to take up space. You deserve to have your needs met. You deserve to be happy. Whether you are fat or not, whether you give or not, you deserve to be in this world and to be happy being here.
To combat this when I was younger, I tried to take as little as possible. I played the martyr, even thinking I didn’t deserved to breathe air others might need. I seldom ate around others, unless there was an over-abundance of food. I tried to take up as little space as possible, trying desperately to make myself small in size and in personality.
When I entered recovery, I found the freedom to be me. I have a big personality; slowly I let that personality out more and more. Now, I normally make my presence known quickly and easily. I have learned that I deserve my fare share, be it health care or food. I do try to be giving, because I like the feeling giving with an open heart brings. However, giving is no longer a means of buying my right to live. I give because I love to give.
If you have not guessed already, I believe in affirmations, prayer and affirmative prayer. In the beginning, when I first started working on this notion of taking up space, I found I had to use all three of those actions to convince myself that I did deserve. I can remember reminding myself over and over again, “I have the right to take up space. I have the right to be treated as human. I have the right to breathe air.”
When I finally allowed myself to exist wholly, I then discovered that I needed to be me, and I do more than just take up space. The affirmation I used at that time was “be real and shine God.” As I practiced this, I did shine. I started becoming the center of attention at times. Other times, I was a leader. Seldom did I not play some part in every situation I found myself in. I spoke up. I spoke out. I TOOK UP A WHOLE LOT OF SPACE. But, because I knew I deserved it, I went ahead a spread my wings. I knew that a fat woman who loved herself and shined that message gave a great gift to the world. And most of the time today, people admire me for being myself.
I have heard a great definition of humility: being right sized. I am just as incorrect to think I am less than others to think that I am more. When I practice humility, I know longer feel less than. I also don’t need to be more than. I can just be and allow others to be also. With humility, everyone has the right to be themselves.
People seldom try to tell me that I don’t deserve to take up space these days. I’ve notice that, on the few occasions such things happen, it comes when I already feel down about myself. When I question my own right to exist, it seems that others do, too. When I know I have the basic rights of other humans, others seem to acknowledge that I do as well.
You don’t need to be a leader or a big personality unless that is who you feel you are. However, I want to encourage you to remind yourself today: You deserve to take up space. You deserve to have your needs met. You deserve to be happy. Whether you are fat or not, whether you give or not, you deserve to be in this world and to be happy being here.
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