Step One

“We are powerless over alcohol and our lives are unmanageable.” That is the wording of the original Step One in AA. So, as a fat person, what am I powerless over?

Overeaters Anonymous says they are powerless over food, but I have not found that to be true. When I denied myself what my body wanted or gave it less food than it needed, I did find that I ended up obsessing and binging. However, I believe that is a normal physical reaction to starvation. When I started paying attention to my body’s needs, I stopped binging and obsessing about food.

I have found that I am powerless over the thought, “my life would be better if only I (insert physical change here).” I have thought my life would be better if I were not so fat. I have thought it would be better if I just didn’t have such pronounced hips and thighs. I’ve thought it would be better if I wasn’t so tall, if I had curlier hair, if my nose was shorter, etc. etc. etc. Our society teaches us that we will be happier if we only change x or get y. You see, it’s a great way to sell us stuff, for us to always need something else to be happy.

So, for me, I am powerless over the thought that some physical change will bring me happiness. Whenever I buy into that idea, I become obsessed and my life becomes unmanageable. I have come to believe that, fundamentally, I only have power over my attitude and my willingness. However, recognizing that has taken me from a life of obsessive hell to being pretty content today. In terms of body acceptance, that means I cannot change my body, but I change my attitude towards it. And today, I’m pretty ok with my body.

Here are some ideas on how to work Step One in terms of body acceptance:

1) Write down five times you obsessed over something outside your inner being (a physical characteristic or an item) thinking that, if you only had or changed that you would be happy. Did you get it? How did you feel when you got it? For instance, I was just sure that, if I could ever be “normal” size, I would be happy. However, one of the most miserable times in my life happened when, during a bout of anorexia, I actually made it to slender.

2) Is your life unmanageable when you obsess over changing a body characteristic? How? Give some examples from your own life? For me, the dieting always led to binging – talk about unmanageable. Stuffing my face compulsively was such a horrible feeling.

3) If you feel comfortable doing so, you may want to say some version of the first step daily for awhile, maybe “I’m powerless over things external to my inner being, my life is unmanageable by me.” I say, “I am powerless over everything but my attitude; my life is unmanageable by me alone.”

It’s not that we are trying to give up control, but rather we are trying to give up the illusion of control. My body was never going to be slender for long. Trying to control my size led to misery and self-hate.

I didn’t love my fat body quickly; it was a process. However, the first step I had to take was I quit trying to change my feelings by trying to change my body.