Feelings

Lately, I have been having a conversation with a young person about feelings. I grew up in a family that didn’t do feelings. Well, that’s not true. Men were allowed to be angry while women were allowed to cry. For many years, I did my best to avoid feelings. I drank and used them away. I also thought I ate them away. However, I found that when I overate and didn’t beat myself up, I was still left with those uncomfortable feelings. So, it wasn’t eating that stuffed the feelings, but rather turning to an emotion I knew well: shame.

As hard as it has been, I have learned how to handle feelings. So, when this young person asked me about feelings, I had quite a bit of experience to share. Here are some things I have learned about feelings:

1) feelings are neither good nor bad; however, acting out our feelings can have negative or positive consequences. For instance, there is no harm in being angry. In fact, anger is a normal reaction to being hurt or endangered physically or emotionally. However, if I lash out in anger, then I have hurt another -- a negative consequence. If I process my anger instead, no problem. On the other side, feeling loving and acting on it can make relationships to others closer.

2) feelings are not facts, but they are sign posts. Just because I feel like it is the end of the world, doesn't mean it is. However, they do tell me that something is going on: maybe I'm tired or hungry, maybe I have done something harmful to someone else, or maybe I've let someone hurt me and am stewing about it. Whatever, they tell us that something is going on, but it may not be what we think it is.

3) Feelings have to be processed; if I ignore them, they don't go away -- they fester. I can process them through prayer and meditation, journaling, talking with someone, etc. Sometimes, I need to move them through my body. Like with anger, I have to physically get the anger out: cry, beat pillows, a fast walk, a vigorous dance.

4) I can't handle feelings without God's help. I have to ask for help feeling the feelings and then processing them.

5) Feelings will not kill me, though sometimes it feels like they might.

6) I have to practice feeling feelings. As I practice, I get better and better at feeling them, and they become less and less scary.

7) sometimes, especially for new feelers, it can be hard to identify feelings. For help in that area, see this graphic on identifying feelings. At first, I could only identify anger, sadness and happiness. Now, I have a whole gamut of feelings.

8) This, too, shall pass. This is even more true for feelings. As old as I am, I still have days where I'm angry in the morning, ecstatic at noon, and sad by dinner. Now, my highs and lows have mellowed a lot as I clear up my stuff, but they are still there. All feelings will change eventually.

9) How to handle a feeling: a) identify it. b) look at it's source (old stuff, new hurts, etc.). c) journal, pray or talk about it to someone. d) feel it (turn on music and cry, beat the anger out in pillows, dance around the room in delight). e) identify any cleaning up that needs done (is there an amends to be made or a problem to be solved?). f) rinse and repeat until the feeling goes away.

10) We numb feelings in many, many ways: drinking, drugs, video games, self-attack, sex, tv, being a human doing instead of a human being, etc. etc. I had to become aware of how I numb. None of these things (except for drugs) are horrible when they are done in moderation. So, if I need to numb a little bit, I go right ahead. I just make sure I’m conscious while I’m doing it. And I don't do it too much or those feelings will come popping out in weird and nasty ways. I allowed myself to numb a whole lot while I was working on a big project this last year. Now, I'm having to deal with funky emotions coming out.