The Number on the Scale

Thursday I went to the doctor for the first time in almost a year. That is the only time I get weighed. When I first started fat acceptance, a time when I was very sick and gaining a lot of weight, I chose to not know my weight. When I finally stepped on the scale, I was 100 lbs heavier. That was a shock. Well, Thursday I stepped on the scale. I was about as heavy as I’ve ever been. My first thought was, “OMG, I have to diet!” Luckily, I have second thoughts today.

That number on the scale engenders fear: fear that I will be “too big” (whatever too big is), fear that I will be socially unacceptable, fear that I am fucked up beyond all redemption. So, I respond to fear like I do to many things: If I change my outsides, my insides will feel better. But, I know that doesn’t work. So, I think again.

The best way for me to handle a, “I’m too fat moment,” is to remind myself that there is no such thing as too fat, that my body is the perfect size for me, that I am exactly where I should be today. Then, I go get a bunch of binge food (foods that used to be forbidden) and give myself full permission to eat it all. I do this because, if I start thinking about dieting, I will overeat for sure. I will find myself stuffed and miserable and beating myself up. If I give myself full permission to eat whatever I want, I tend to eat a little and then stop.

So, I went and got these really yummy cupcakes, a dozen small ones. I gave myself full permission to eat them all. I ate three. Three days later, the leftovers are turning into hard little bricks in my kitchen. I can eat them if I want. I can throw them out if I want. The key is knowing I will never diet again.

Much of this process came from where I started – with Hirschmann and Munter’s Overcoming Overeating. I practice HAES for the most part today. I like treating my body well. I like choosing nutritious foods. However, if emotions are involved, I will overeat if I try to restrict at all. So, I run back to full permission; I run back to permission to be a “bad fatty.” I have to have that permission if I am going to keep respecting my body. I have to have that permission to overcome the fear.

I also have to address the fear. I have been taught that there is a solution to fear: hand it over to my Higher Power. I can face it and do what I fear with the help of my HP. I hand it over by saying the fear prayer (inspired by the AA Big Book): “God, please remove this fear and turn my attention to what you would have me be.” Then, I face my fear by allowing myself to become bigger, if that is what I need to do. I face that fear by allowing myself to eat too much, if that is what I need to do. I face that fear by allowing myself to remain fat, to remain myself.

And my weight, that’s just a number on the scale. It means absolutely nothing beyond that. It does not define my worth; nor does it define my sin. It simply is.