Validation

I’ve been on the Fatosphere for a long time – back before it was the Fatosphere, in fact. We have some common conversations that come around every once in awhile – should diet talk be allowed, what is a fat activist, to HAES or not to HAEs, etc. -- and the death fat vs. in-betweenie vs. non-fat is a common one.

I understand this argument perhaps better than others. I spent most of my life as an in-betweenie. Then, I got sick and gained 100 pounds. Now, I am death fat. I also sponsor a number of women with eating disorders – they seem to like the way I approach body stuff, so I have a pretty good idea of the issues even a traditionally beautiful woman can face regarding body acceptance. Every size has its own worries and fears, its own horrors and horribleness. Yes, we are all in this together. But, yet, our experiences are as different as we are individual.

So, how can we get beyond this conversation? I’ve heard that “every problem comes bearing its own solution.” This problem is no exception. In fact, usually when we embrace a solution, we are stronger and not weaker in the end.

I think it may boil down to validation. We want our pain acknowledged. We want another to understand, “I hurt!” We want another to see inside and tell us we are ok anyway. What if we all just validated each other’s experiences? Could we maybe move beyond this?

As a death fat, part of me cringes at the thought. I KNOW that being death fat is a whole different experience that being an in-betweenie or a non-fat. And I’m scared my own experiences will be invalidated by this, that we will lose our focus as a community, and that a space that is precious to me will become yet another location for women to talk about how much they hate their thighs. The idea scares me a great deal. But most acts of Love the Power usually do at first. Then I see the incredible outcomes and get reminded that Love is always the solution.

I have been told to “let it begin with me.” Every time I chose to love, whatever the other person does, I will feel better about myself. Often, I see great changes as well. I am reminded of lines from what is often called The Eleventh Step Prayer (the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi):

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.

It just may be that when I choose to validate another, they may be more open to hearing my experience. I'm thinking that, by trying to understand their pain, they may be more willing to hear my pain. And, together, we may be better able to work towards acceptance for all.

So, for awhile, I’m going to try something. When someone shares with me their body angst, no matter what their size, I am going to validate it – without trying to share my own. I’m going to try and understand what THEY feel, what they have gone through, rather than trying to explain the experiences of a death fat individual. Am I sure this will work? No, I’m not. But I believe in experimenting. And, since an experiment always works better with a bigger data pool, care to join me?