Too Much

Fat people are often accused of taking too much: taking up too much space, taking too much food, taking up too many health resources. We have been seen as over consumers on all levels, just taking, taking, taking. The glutton. The pig. The overeater.

To combat this when I was younger, I tried to take as little as possible. I played the martyr, even thinking I didn’t deserved to breathe air others might need. I seldom ate around others, unless there was an over-abundance of food. I tried to take up as little space as possible, trying desperately to make myself small in size and in personality.

When I entered recovery, I found the freedom to be me. I have a big personality; slowly I let that personality out more and more. Now, I normally make my presence known quickly and easily. I have learned that I deserve my fare share, be it health care or food. I do try to be giving, because I like the feeling giving with an open heart brings. However, giving is no longer a means of buying my right to live. I give because I love to give.

If you have not guessed already, I believe in affirmations, prayer and affirmative prayer. In the beginning, when I first started working on this notion of taking up space, I found I had to use all three of those actions to convince myself that I did deserve. I can remember reminding myself over and over again, “I have the right to take up space. I have the right to be treated as human. I have the right to breathe air.”

When I finally allowed myself to exist wholly, I then discovered that I needed to be me, and I do more than just take up space. The affirmation I used at that time was “be real and shine God.” As I practiced this, I did shine. I started becoming the center of attention at times. Other times, I was a leader. Seldom did I not play some part in every situation I found myself in. I spoke up. I spoke out. I TOOK UP A WHOLE LOT OF SPACE. But, because I knew I deserved it, I went ahead a spread my wings. I knew that a fat woman who loved herself and shined that message gave a great gift to the world. And most of the time today, people admire me for being myself.

I have heard a great definition of humility: being right sized. I am just as incorrect to think I am less than others to think that I am more. When I practice humility, I know longer feel less than. I also don’t need to be more than. I can just be and allow others to be also. With humility, everyone has the right to be themselves.

People seldom try to tell me that I don’t deserve to take up space these days. I’ve notice that, on the few occasions such things happen, it comes when I already feel down about myself. When I question my own right to exist, it seems that others do, too. When I know I have the basic rights of other humans, others seem to acknowledge that I do as well.

You don’t need to be a leader or a big personality unless that is who you feel you are. However, I want to encourage you to remind yourself today: You deserve to take up space. You deserve to have your needs met. You deserve to be happy. Whether you are fat or not, whether you give or not, you deserve to be in this world and to be happy being here.