More

Sorry, folks, for being gone so long. My life has had some tremendous upheaval in the last month, but it should be getting back to a new routine shortly. I recommit to at least a post a weak. And I’ll go back and talk about Step 5 this month as well as Step 6.

Right now, though, I want to talk about the desire for more. I have had a few big changes this last month, including starting to become much more physical and having access to healthier foods. Where I was sitting at the top of my set-point range, I have dropped a little weight. The amazing thing: even with the years I have in Fat Acceptance, give me a little weight loss, and I find myself wanting more.

I often hear newbies (and some long-timers) to the Fatosphere say “I just want to reach a healthy weight.” I think we fool ourselves when we say this. For me, a little weight loss always leads to the desire for more. It’s almost a drug. If I allow myself to focus on it, I will be consumed by the desire for more and more and more. I can never have enough weight loss to satisfy my ego.

I have seen this scenario in my past. During a break-up, I lost an incredible amount of weight – down into the normal range (which, for me, is quite thin). For the first time in my life, I was normal weight. However, my body is built with hips and thighs. So, I went to Weight Watchers to “lose that last 10 pounds.” I remember being shocked when they discouraged me from the program. Couldn’t they see I had more to lose? (Just an FYI, the weight came back on really quick soon after.)

Part of this is the desire to be accepted can be very seductive. When you are fat, it can be a challenge just to leave the house. Fat prejudice surrounds us. I am a confident person, yet I still deal with fat prejudice regularly. Some days, I do long to fit in. But the truth is: I would not give up who I am and what I am doing for anything or anyone. That longing may be there and may strike me for a moment, but overall I am content to be who I am, and a big part of that is FAT. So, for me, this is one of those lies my ego tells me to get me into insanity (dieting and weight loss behavior).

I will probably only drop a little fat; if I go to the bottom of my set point I’ll drop about 10% of my body weight. If I focus on weight loss, I will get disappointed and stop my healthy activities when the weight loss stops. If I focus on how I feel, then the healthy behavior can continue long after I have stopped losing weight. This scenario is why HAES is such an important concept. Good things are going on in my body. I am getting more active and eating healthier. If I start focusing on weight loss, health usually goes out the window.

What I am doing right now is practicing separating those feelings from the desire for weight loss. My focus is to enjoy the healthier body, whatever weight it settles in at. So, how do I do this? Well, for now, I am affirming the positive changes in my body without affirming weight loss. When I look into the mirror, I say to myself “I am getting stronger,” “I have more energy,” and “I am feeling healthier,” rather than focusing on any aspects of a smaller body. I remind myself that I love the feeling of being healthier, rather than reminding myself that I love the feeling of weight loss.

Healthier bodies are good things. We just have to watch out for the desire for “more.”