Responding to Diet Talk

Last week, I wrote about the temptation to diet as I am surrounded by diet talk. I’ve been thinking about that some more. Why do I fall into that? I start being tempted to diet partially because I just don’t know how to respond to diet talk. I tend to think I only have two options: conform or fight. And I really hate to fight these days, though I will when needed.

I have to remember that more options are available to me. As I have been thinking about this and came up with an idea. Al-Anon encourages the loved ones of alcoholics to mind our own business and let alcoholics figure it out for themselves. This is an idea Al-Anon calls “detachment.” I think I have to do this for chronic dieters as well. The idea is to let someone see that their behavior isn’t working on their own; it never works to try and force someone into my way of thinking. At times, they see it quickly. Some folks will NEVER get it. Either way, I am more serene if I don’t push my ideas onto someone else.

Because so many people do not realize that not dieting is even an option, I respond once with some statistics (“dieting doesn’t work %95, even if it is for your health”). However, if they know what I think about dieting and still insist on spouting diet talk to me, then the noncommittal responses come out. Here are some I have come up with:

• You might be right (you can think, “snowball’s chance in hell” without saying it)
• I’ll be interested in seeing how that works for you (one of my favorites)
vGuess we’ll see
• Talk to me in (3, 6, 9) months.
• Talk to me in 5 years.
• I’m not comfortable talking about this.
• Please don’t talk to me about this.
• Diet talk sets off my eating disorder.
• I understand your need to diet, but please don’t talk to me about it.
• Hmmmm
• I can see why you would think that.

If nothing else, I can change the subject. If they insist on talking about their diet, which some diet evangelists will, then I can simply walk away if need be. If someone respects me so little, why should I put up with them? The important thing is that I not take it personally. Our society has done a good job brainwashing everyone to think the diet-binge-guilt cycle should be a lifestyle. It takes a determined and brave person to change that thinking.

So, anyway, diet talk is a pain, but, today, I don’t have to put up with it. Detachment is a wonderful tool to use when confronted by a diet evangelist!

The Number on the Scale

Thursday I went to the doctor for the first time in almost a year. That is the only time I get weighed. When I first started fat acceptance, a time when I was very sick and gaining a lot of weight, I chose to not know my weight. When I finally stepped on the scale, I was 100 lbs heavier. That was a shock. Well, Thursday I stepped on the scale. I was about as heavy as I’ve ever been. My first thought was, “OMG, I have to diet!” Luckily, I have second thoughts today.

That number on the scale engenders fear: fear that I will be “too big” (whatever too big is), fear that I will be socially unacceptable, fear that I am fucked up beyond all redemption. So, I respond to fear like I do to many things: If I change my outsides, my insides will feel better. But, I know that doesn’t work. So, I think again.

The best way for me to handle a, “I’m too fat moment,” is to remind myself that there is no such thing as too fat, that my body is the perfect size for me, that I am exactly where I should be today. Then, I go get a bunch of binge food (foods that used to be forbidden) and give myself full permission to eat it all. I do this because, if I start thinking about dieting, I will overeat for sure. I will find myself stuffed and miserable and beating myself up. If I give myself full permission to eat whatever I want, I tend to eat a little and then stop.

So, I went and got these really yummy cupcakes, a dozen small ones. I gave myself full permission to eat them all. I ate three. Three days later, the leftovers are turning into hard little bricks in my kitchen. I can eat them if I want. I can throw them out if I want. The key is knowing I will never diet again.

Much of this process came from where I started – with Hirschmann and Munter’s Overcoming Overeating. I practice HAES for the most part today. I like treating my body well. I like choosing nutritious foods. However, if emotions are involved, I will overeat if I try to restrict at all. So, I run back to full permission; I run back to permission to be a “bad fatty.” I have to have that permission if I am going to keep respecting my body. I have to have that permission to overcome the fear.

I also have to address the fear. I have been taught that there is a solution to fear: hand it over to my Higher Power. I can face it and do what I fear with the help of my HP. I hand it over by saying the fear prayer (inspired by the AA Big Book): “God, please remove this fear and turn my attention to what you would have me be.” Then, I face my fear by allowing myself to become bigger, if that is what I need to do. I face that fear by allowing myself to eat too much, if that is what I need to do. I face that fear by allowing myself to remain fat, to remain myself.

And my weight, that’s just a number on the scale. It means absolutely nothing beyond that. It does not define my worth; nor does it define my sin. It simply is.

Temptation

I find the diet season hard. I watch as brilliant, intelligent, loving people fall prey to the “change your body and you’ll change your life” (Hircshmann and Munter) idea. This year, it will be different. This diet will work. This time, I won’t gain the weight back. And, the best one of all: I’m doing it for my health so this time I will succeed.

Sigh.

If I’m honest, I’m tempted. I’m tempted to fall back into that idea that yes, there is some way I will not have a fat body. Yes, I too will be thin. Yes, I can be accepted on sight. Yes, I must lose weight to be healthy.

Except, I can’t. Thirty years of dieting left me with a binge eating disorder and the heaviest I had ever been. I KNOW that dieting will only make me crazy, not thinner. I don’t need to fail yet again to find out that this time will not be different. And, I cannot fall into the body hate that comes with the dieting lifestyle ever again. I will never go back to that insanity.

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. As I watch my friends in their insanity, I’m tempted to join in; I'm tempted to believe the lie. It is so very attractive. However, today I know that it won’t work. The sleeper has awakened to reality and can no longer live in the dream. Dieting fails. The temptation to try it once again is a temptation to insanity.

Step One

“We are powerless over alcohol and our lives are unmanageable.” That is the wording of the original Step One in AA. So, as a fat person, what am I powerless over?

Overeaters Anonymous says they are powerless over food, but I have not found that to be true. When I denied myself what my body wanted or gave it less food than it needed, I did find that I ended up obsessing and binging. However, I believe that is a normal physical reaction to starvation. When I started paying attention to my body’s needs, I stopped binging and obsessing about food.

I have found that I am powerless over the thought, “my life would be better if only I (insert physical change here).” I have thought my life would be better if I were not so fat. I have thought it would be better if I just didn’t have such pronounced hips and thighs. I’ve thought it would be better if I wasn’t so tall, if I had curlier hair, if my nose was shorter, etc. etc. etc. Our society teaches us that we will be happier if we only change x or get y. You see, it’s a great way to sell us stuff, for us to always need something else to be happy.

So, for me, I am powerless over the thought that some physical change will bring me happiness. Whenever I buy into that idea, I become obsessed and my life becomes unmanageable. I have come to believe that, fundamentally, I only have power over my attitude and my willingness. However, recognizing that has taken me from a life of obsessive hell to being pretty content today. In terms of body acceptance, that means I cannot change my body, but I change my attitude towards it. And today, I’m pretty ok with my body.

Here are some ideas on how to work Step One in terms of body acceptance:

1) Write down five times you obsessed over something outside your inner being (a physical characteristic or an item) thinking that, if you only had or changed that you would be happy. Did you get it? How did you feel when you got it? For instance, I was just sure that, if I could ever be “normal” size, I would be happy. However, one of the most miserable times in my life happened when, during a bout of anorexia, I actually made it to slender.

2) Is your life unmanageable when you obsess over changing a body characteristic? How? Give some examples from your own life? For me, the dieting always led to binging – talk about unmanageable. Stuffing my face compulsively was such a horrible feeling.

3) If you feel comfortable doing so, you may want to say some version of the first step daily for awhile, maybe “I’m powerless over things external to my inner being, my life is unmanageable by me.” I say, “I am powerless over everything but my attitude; my life is unmanageable by me alone.”

It’s not that we are trying to give up control, but rather we are trying to give up the illusion of control. My body was never going to be slender for long. Trying to control my size led to misery and self-hate.

I didn’t love my fat body quickly; it was a process. However, the first step I had to take was I quit trying to change my feelings by trying to change my body.