Step Six

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

I wanted to get caught up on the Steps. We should be on Eight, so I have a bit to do.

Six is a tricky step in some ways, and one that is hard to separate from Step Seven. In my experience, Six is not an event, but rather a process – sometimes it takes time to become willing. I usually hit Step Six and become entirely willing to have ME remove all my defects of character. If I could have done that, I would have a long time ago.

As I grow in spirituality, I have more and more issue with the idea of a God outside myself (my favorite saying is “God is not in me like a button is in a glass of water; God is in me like the ocean is in a wave.”) So, what does Step Six look like if I am part of God or trying to be God Expressing? A Buddhist friend of mine decided that LOVE would be her higher power. I can really get behind that idea. I allow love in. I allow it to change me, to improve me. I allow love to rule my actions rather than fear. And all I have to do is be willing.

So, what does Step Six look like in terms of body acceptance? For me, it meant being willing to have a complete paradigm shift – that’s all! No, really – for me it meant being willing to have my whole reality change. For so long, I believed fat was a bad thing and I was bad for being fat. Step Six meant that I had to be willing for this idea to change: that I had to be willing to believe that I was good, that my body was good, and that I was lovable even though I’m fat, an absolutely revolutionary idea.

Self-hate has been, by far, the biggest character defect I have let go of in this process. Step Six has meant a willingness to love all of myself exactly as I am, warts and all. I have always wanted to be different, to be someone else. As part of the Step process, I had to learn to love myself right here, right now.

So, how do you work Step Six? Here is one possible way:

Meditation

Carefully review your 4th Step. Have you left anything out? Thank God (love, the Universe, etc.) that you know your higher power and yourself better after the 4th Step. Ask yourself “are you ready to let go of the things that no longer work for you?” If you answer no on anything, ask for willingness. Allow yourself to be filled with willingness.

Writing

1. Write a list of character defects
2. Put a star or a check by those that you are willing to let go

Affirmation

I am willing to let go of those things that no longer serve me. I am willing to love myself and my body as I am.

Believing the Lie

I have been working on being self- and fat- accepting for over seven years, and today was the first time I realized gaining weight was no big deal. Being ok with being fat is not something that happens overnight. Being ok with gaining weight takes even longer.

At the same time that I quit dieting, I became very sick with a thyroid disease which made me gain a lot of weight fast. Where most people go through the trying to devour the world phase in months, because of the thyroid disease, it took me years. I gained 100 pounds during that time. I prayed and prayed for God to take me to the size I could best serve, but it was a hard time, a time when I was very scared.

A couple of things happened at the same time, and I’m not sure which was the turning point. I finally got my medication stabilized. At almost the same time, I realized I had set up yet another “I will be too fat when…” scenario. You know, those mind games we play with ourselves: “I’ll just die if I hit 200 (250, 300, etc.) pounds;” “If I had to wear a 26 (20, 30, etc.), I would never leave the house;” or “I couldn’t show my face if I had a double-chin.” Mine was, “I will be too fat if I can’t buy clothes in brick and mortar stores.” In response to this thought, I started eating – a lot. So, I made a choice. I was not going to be scared of fat any longer. I decided to give myself full permission to eat. There are folks out there who can’t buy clothes in stores. I guessed I needed to know what that was like.

And my eating IMMEDIATELY went back to a healthy level. I didn’t gain any more weight. In fact, I lost a little. I settled into a set point that tends to range between 275-295 (as best I can tell. I only weigh a couple of times a year) and size 24-28. That was about 4 years ago. Though I lose and gain within that range, I have not moved out of it in years.

Yet, I still got excited when I lost weight and still became disappointed when I gained. But, I continued to practice loving myself. I continued to thank God for self-acceptance and to practice detaching from my weight. I came to understand that the idea of "I'll be happier if I was smaller" is a lie.

I think the desire for thinness and the fear of weight gain is kind of like the desire for a drink for an alcoholic. An alcoholic can, even after long term sobriety, continue to hold a little glimmer of that internal desire to drink somewhere in the back of their mind. Every once in awhile, while watching a beer commercial or seeing a non-alcoholic friend drink, the thought might dance across the alcoholics mind: “Maybe I could drink normally now.” If the alcoholic is in fit spiritual condition, they know that thought for the lie it is. If they are not in good spiritual condition, they might just believe the lie and drink.

So, if we are in fit spiritual condition, we can see the idea of “I would be happier if I were thinner” as the lie it is. When we are healthy in spirit, we can see weight gain as just the natural ebb and flow of fat in our bodies. Or we can look for physical causes behind it – without getting depressed or upset.

I don’t know if I will ever completely get rid of the desire to be thinner. Today, I know that, if I were thinner, it wouldn’t bring me the things I thought it would. Oh, and by the way, I am INCREDIBLY grateful that I am the size I am today. I would never have known how a death fat person felt, such an important element of my life, without being one myself.

Thank you, God, for my fat today. And may I accept whatever changes happen in my body without depression, upset or excitement.

(I wrote this last summer. The excitement at losing weight and the upset at gaining get a little less all the time. At this point, though I still feel them, they really barely affect me.)

Burnout

I have been dealing with a weird kind of burnout. I wanted to write. I wanted to support FA. I wanted to be vocal about my beliefs, but I simply was having trouble doing so. I didn’t have the energy to deal with all the negativity that comes my way in the course of being a fat activist. I just didn’t have it in me to take the knocks that come with speaking out.

Some days, this fight just seems too hard. I get tired of the looks: you know the “you believe WHAT?” looks. I get tired of explaining that fat really isn’t the horrible, horrible thing people have been led to believe. I get tired of trying to show folks that everything they have been told is a lie. Some days, I get tired of being a fat advocate, and I just want to give up.

But I don’t – I don’t give up. Instead, I try to figure out what is wrong. When we burn out, something else is usually going on. For me, I’ve had some major upheaval in my life which left me feeling vulnerable and alone. In such a situation, when regular life is already taxing, activism can feel like an incredibly heavy burden.

I have been told, “we are all leaky tires. If we don’t get refilled, we end up flat.” I have found that to be true. Burnout is usually a sign that I am flat and need refilled. Here are some of the things I have learned to do when burnout looms:

*Take a break. Actually, I’ve learned that I need to completely avoid all things fat (well, as much as that is possible) for five days to a week out of every three months. I take a break from Fat Acceptance. Usually, after about four or five days, I’m chomping at the bit to get back to FA.

*Meditate. I go through periods where I meditate every day and periods where meditation seems almost impossible. When I am down – whether it be spiritual, emotional, physical or mental (or a combination) – spiritual connection can refill me.

*Go to my support groups. I need god with skin on: a spiritual community. Part of why I’m burned out now is that, because of this upheaval in my life, I have to build new spiritual communities. And I have to explain to each my viewpoint on fat, which takes time and energy. Being primarily an extrovert, I get much of my energy through connection with people. Not feeling connected, I have been tired. However, I am seeing myself become part of new communities quickly; this helps tremendously.

Burnout is a real part of any activism. I have chosen to make FA a huge part of my life. Because of that, I need to be doubly aware: if I don’t take care of myself, I will eventually not be able to keep speaking out for fat. I don’t want that – there are too many people to help.

Have you dealt with burnout? What helped?