Step Six

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

I wanted to get caught up on the Steps. We should be on Eight, so I have a bit to do.

Six is a tricky step in some ways, and one that is hard to separate from Step Seven. In my experience, Six is not an event, but rather a process – sometimes it takes time to become willing. I usually hit Step Six and become entirely willing to have ME remove all my defects of character. If I could have done that, I would have a long time ago.

As I grow in spirituality, I have more and more issue with the idea of a God outside myself (my favorite saying is “God is not in me like a button is in a glass of water; God is in me like the ocean is in a wave.”) So, what does Step Six look like if I am part of God or trying to be God Expressing? A Buddhist friend of mine decided that LOVE would be her higher power. I can really get behind that idea. I allow love in. I allow it to change me, to improve me. I allow love to rule my actions rather than fear. And all I have to do is be willing.

So, what does Step Six look like in terms of body acceptance? For me, it meant being willing to have a complete paradigm shift – that’s all! No, really – for me it meant being willing to have my whole reality change. For so long, I believed fat was a bad thing and I was bad for being fat. Step Six meant that I had to be willing for this idea to change: that I had to be willing to believe that I was good, that my body was good, and that I was lovable even though I’m fat, an absolutely revolutionary idea.

Self-hate has been, by far, the biggest character defect I have let go of in this process. Step Six has meant a willingness to love all of myself exactly as I am, warts and all. I have always wanted to be different, to be someone else. As part of the Step process, I had to learn to love myself right here, right now.

So, how do you work Step Six? Here is one possible way:

Meditation

Carefully review your 4th Step. Have you left anything out? Thank God (love, the Universe, etc.) that you know your higher power and yourself better after the 4th Step. Ask yourself “are you ready to let go of the things that no longer work for you?” If you answer no on anything, ask for willingness. Allow yourself to be filled with willingness.

Writing

1. Write a list of character defects
2. Put a star or a check by those that you are willing to let go

Affirmation

I am willing to let go of those things that no longer serve me. I am willing to love myself and my body as I am.

Believing the Lie

I have been working on being self- and fat- accepting for over seven years, and today was the first time I realized gaining weight was no big deal. Being ok with being fat is not something that happens overnight. Being ok with gaining weight takes even longer.

At the same time that I quit dieting, I became very sick with a thyroid disease which made me gain a lot of weight fast. Where most people go through the trying to devour the world phase in months, because of the thyroid disease, it took me years. I gained 100 pounds during that time. I prayed and prayed for God to take me to the size I could best serve, but it was a hard time, a time when I was very scared.

A couple of things happened at the same time, and I’m not sure which was the turning point. I finally got my medication stabilized. At almost the same time, I realized I had set up yet another “I will be too fat when…” scenario. You know, those mind games we play with ourselves: “I’ll just die if I hit 200 (250, 300, etc.) pounds;” “If I had to wear a 26 (20, 30, etc.), I would never leave the house;” or “I couldn’t show my face if I had a double-chin.” Mine was, “I will be too fat if I can’t buy clothes in brick and mortar stores.” In response to this thought, I started eating – a lot. So, I made a choice. I was not going to be scared of fat any longer. I decided to give myself full permission to eat. There are folks out there who can’t buy clothes in stores. I guessed I needed to know what that was like.

And my eating IMMEDIATELY went back to a healthy level. I didn’t gain any more weight. In fact, I lost a little. I settled into a set point that tends to range between 275-295 (as best I can tell. I only weigh a couple of times a year) and size 24-28. That was about 4 years ago. Though I lose and gain within that range, I have not moved out of it in years.

Yet, I still got excited when I lost weight and still became disappointed when I gained. But, I continued to practice loving myself. I continued to thank God for self-acceptance and to practice detaching from my weight. I came to understand that the idea of "I'll be happier if I was smaller" is a lie.

I think the desire for thinness and the fear of weight gain is kind of like the desire for a drink for an alcoholic. An alcoholic can, even after long term sobriety, continue to hold a little glimmer of that internal desire to drink somewhere in the back of their mind. Every once in awhile, while watching a beer commercial or seeing a non-alcoholic friend drink, the thought might dance across the alcoholics mind: “Maybe I could drink normally now.” If the alcoholic is in fit spiritual condition, they know that thought for the lie it is. If they are not in good spiritual condition, they might just believe the lie and drink.

So, if we are in fit spiritual condition, we can see the idea of “I would be happier if I were thinner” as the lie it is. When we are healthy in spirit, we can see weight gain as just the natural ebb and flow of fat in our bodies. Or we can look for physical causes behind it – without getting depressed or upset.

I don’t know if I will ever completely get rid of the desire to be thinner. Today, I know that, if I were thinner, it wouldn’t bring me the things I thought it would. Oh, and by the way, I am INCREDIBLY grateful that I am the size I am today. I would never have known how a death fat person felt, such an important element of my life, without being one myself.

Thank you, God, for my fat today. And may I accept whatever changes happen in my body without depression, upset or excitement.

(I wrote this last summer. The excitement at losing weight and the upset at gaining get a little less all the time. At this point, though I still feel them, they really barely affect me.)

Burnout

I have been dealing with a weird kind of burnout. I wanted to write. I wanted to support FA. I wanted to be vocal about my beliefs, but I simply was having trouble doing so. I didn’t have the energy to deal with all the negativity that comes my way in the course of being a fat activist. I just didn’t have it in me to take the knocks that come with speaking out.

Some days, this fight just seems too hard. I get tired of the looks: you know the “you believe WHAT?” looks. I get tired of explaining that fat really isn’t the horrible, horrible thing people have been led to believe. I get tired of trying to show folks that everything they have been told is a lie. Some days, I get tired of being a fat advocate, and I just want to give up.

But I don’t – I don’t give up. Instead, I try to figure out what is wrong. When we burn out, something else is usually going on. For me, I’ve had some major upheaval in my life which left me feeling vulnerable and alone. In such a situation, when regular life is already taxing, activism can feel like an incredibly heavy burden.

I have been told, “we are all leaky tires. If we don’t get refilled, we end up flat.” I have found that to be true. Burnout is usually a sign that I am flat and need refilled. Here are some of the things I have learned to do when burnout looms:

*Take a break. Actually, I’ve learned that I need to completely avoid all things fat (well, as much as that is possible) for five days to a week out of every three months. I take a break from Fat Acceptance. Usually, after about four or five days, I’m chomping at the bit to get back to FA.

*Meditate. I go through periods where I meditate every day and periods where meditation seems almost impossible. When I am down – whether it be spiritual, emotional, physical or mental (or a combination) – spiritual connection can refill me.

*Go to my support groups. I need god with skin on: a spiritual community. Part of why I’m burned out now is that, because of this upheaval in my life, I have to build new spiritual communities. And I have to explain to each my viewpoint on fat, which takes time and energy. Being primarily an extrovert, I get much of my energy through connection with people. Not feeling connected, I have been tired. However, I am seeing myself become part of new communities quickly; this helps tremendously.

Burnout is a real part of any activism. I have chosen to make FA a huge part of my life. Because of that, I need to be doubly aware: if I don’t take care of myself, I will eventually not be able to keep speaking out for fat. I don’t want that – there are too many people to help.

Have you dealt with burnout? What helped?

Step Five

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

For some reason, I’m having issues writing up Step Five. In some ways, this has been a traumatic step for me. In other ways, it has been a place of great healing. There is a saying that I have found to be true: “we are only as sick as our secrets.” In Step Five, we let out all our secrets, we let out all of our shame.

My first fifth step was not a good experience. It wasn’t horrible, just not good. This was an Al-Anon fifth step with a Al-Anon member. That first fifth tends to be filled with shame and blame, and all my shame centered around my drinking and the bad behavior I had during that time. First off, I did a life story. She didn’t give me any response during the telling of that story; she just provided me a list of my character defects at the end. She didn’t comprehend my issues, though she did her best to be accepting. I walked away feeling a little better, but not really feeling lightened.

My second fifth, my AA fifth, was different. I did my fourth the AA Big Book way. We talked about each incident. She explained how I wasn’t alone. She helped me see my part clearly. Now, that was freeing.

I don’t think I really felt comfortable giving a fifth step until I had taken one, though. People tend to have a few common worries with fifth steps: will they think I’m awful, will they still love me, and will they tell anyone. I found that this amazing thing happens. First off, I have never walked out of a fifth thinking someone bad or disgusting or loving them less. Instead, I am usually filled with an incredible love for them. Secondly, I seem to have a magical forgetter on most things. I cannot tell you how often a sponsee has said, “I told you in my fifth step,” and I didn’t have a clue.

Today, if I have an issue, I make sure I talk to someone about it because I truly do believe I’m only as sick as my secrets. Also remember, we can only change us, never someone else. So, if you have someone who knows how to see your part (if it is only accepting that they are an asshole), that helps tremendously.

To work Step Five, simply tell someone your secrets, ideally someone who can help you work through them: a counselor, a minister, or a sponsor. I encourage you NOT to tell someone who is involved with your life like a spouse, a family member or a close friend.

Meditation
Sit quietly. Focus on willingness and courage. Allow them to infuse your very being. If you don't know who to talk to, ask for someone who can play this part for you.

Affirmation
I am willing to heal my secrets.

More

Sorry, folks, for being gone so long. My life has had some tremendous upheaval in the last month, but it should be getting back to a new routine shortly. I recommit to at least a post a weak. And I’ll go back and talk about Step 5 this month as well as Step 6.

Right now, though, I want to talk about the desire for more. I have had a few big changes this last month, including starting to become much more physical and having access to healthier foods. Where I was sitting at the top of my set-point range, I have dropped a little weight. The amazing thing: even with the years I have in Fat Acceptance, give me a little weight loss, and I find myself wanting more.

I often hear newbies (and some long-timers) to the Fatosphere say “I just want to reach a healthy weight.” I think we fool ourselves when we say this. For me, a little weight loss always leads to the desire for more. It’s almost a drug. If I allow myself to focus on it, I will be consumed by the desire for more and more and more. I can never have enough weight loss to satisfy my ego.

I have seen this scenario in my past. During a break-up, I lost an incredible amount of weight – down into the normal range (which, for me, is quite thin). For the first time in my life, I was normal weight. However, my body is built with hips and thighs. So, I went to Weight Watchers to “lose that last 10 pounds.” I remember being shocked when they discouraged me from the program. Couldn’t they see I had more to lose? (Just an FYI, the weight came back on really quick soon after.)

Part of this is the desire to be accepted can be very seductive. When you are fat, it can be a challenge just to leave the house. Fat prejudice surrounds us. I am a confident person, yet I still deal with fat prejudice regularly. Some days, I do long to fit in. But the truth is: I would not give up who I am and what I am doing for anything or anyone. That longing may be there and may strike me for a moment, but overall I am content to be who I am, and a big part of that is FAT. So, for me, this is one of those lies my ego tells me to get me into insanity (dieting and weight loss behavior).

I will probably only drop a little fat; if I go to the bottom of my set point I’ll drop about 10% of my body weight. If I focus on weight loss, I will get disappointed and stop my healthy activities when the weight loss stops. If I focus on how I feel, then the healthy behavior can continue long after I have stopped losing weight. This scenario is why HAES is such an important concept. Good things are going on in my body. I am getting more active and eating healthier. If I start focusing on weight loss, health usually goes out the window.

What I am doing right now is practicing separating those feelings from the desire for weight loss. My focus is to enjoy the healthier body, whatever weight it settles in at. So, how do I do this? Well, for now, I am affirming the positive changes in my body without affirming weight loss. When I look into the mirror, I say to myself “I am getting stronger,” “I have more energy,” and “I am feeling healthier,” rather than focusing on any aspects of a smaller body. I remind myself that I love the feeling of being healthier, rather than reminding myself that I love the feeling of weight loss.

Healthier bodies are good things. We just have to watch out for the desire for “more.”

Activism to relieve frustration

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
~Mohandas Gandhi

Though we are still being ignored and laughed at quite a bit, we are starting to encounter some fights over fat rights – especially from those who make their money trying to eradicate us. I am at a busy time in my life, so I am not getting to be as active fighting fat hate as I usually am. So, lately, I have found myself very, very frustrated at all the fat hating talk out there, especially from the experts who so badly want to force us back into the shadows. I find myself being eaten with anger and frustration from the inside. I cannot live there today.

Somewhere along the line, I was taught that, to be less upset about a subject, do something – anything – about it and you will feel better. In a way, fat activism has become a necessary part of my life. To keep from imploding or exploding at the myriad ways fat people are told they are less than, I have to do something every day. And it helps even more if I am getting a little positive feedback for that activism. That is one of the reasons I write for the Fatosphere: because I know that I just might help someone who wants it desperately, who wants to understand this. I want to pass on the gift I have been given.

Marilynn Wann is an AMAZING woman and, I wish I lived in San Francisco to take part in the incredible fat positive stunts she sets up (see Not Blue At All for the latest incredible Feat of Fat Love). But I am not in that city, and I am not in the place to generate such activism. Yet, I do not have to do such incredible things to help this cause. Every time I refuse to hate myself in a public setting, every time I speak up against fat hatred, every time I tell a fat friend that their body is beautiful, I help spread the message of self-love.

I have to remember that remarkable ideas, ideas with truth, spread. They may spread slowly, but they spread. Loving ourselves no matter our size is a remarkable, revolutionary idea that will spread with time. Slowly but surely, our voices will grow to where they can no longer ignore or laugh at us. Slowly, but surely, if we stay with this, we will win. It may be a long way down the road, but WE WILL WIN.

If you find yourself frustrated today, take a deep breath, come to the Fatosphere for reassurance, and keep fighting the good fight – even if the fight is only within yourself. We can do this – if it is only one fat person at a time – we can do this.

Pleasure and joy

I'm not posting a lot right now because of some things going on in my life. However, I'll try to keep posting at least once a week even in the midst of the craziness.

A post by Zaftig Zeitgeist, Abstinence does not work, got me thinking about an old post uploaded before most of you were around. So, here is a reblog of my post "Practicing Joy" with references to the holidays taken out:

Think of how much time we WASTE on dieting and body hating. We are this incredibly blessed nation; we are one of the few that have too much. So, we assuage our guilt by not allowing ourselves to enjoy any of it. What if we decided to be grateful for the girth god gave us and concentrate our energies on service, love, and imagination instead? What if we quit hating our bodies and choose to create instead? How many problems could we solve with the $58 billion spent on trying to be thin every year? Where would we be able to go? What would we be able to do? We could change the world.

Many of us have allowed the fear of fat to suck the joy out of our lives. We no longer enjoyed food, instead wallowing in the guilt of being “bad” if we eat a carrot because it has so much starch in it – only feeling virtuous if the food we eat is so laden with fat-reducing and sugar-reducing chemicals to where it tastes like a sewage treatment plant at worst and nothing at best. We have allowed this fear to take the joy out of our bodies: keeping us from enjoying movement, from loving our own rolls and lumps, from enjoying sex with our partners.

What would happen if we took back those joys? Imagine enjoying every bite of every bit of food you put in your mouth. Those “forbidden” items that your body and soul so craves, gobbling them down quickly and in large quantity so that no one would know you were being “bad.” Instead, try delighting in each mouthful, each bite. You may find that you eat less; you may not. You will find your life sweeter.

Imagine enjoying the feel of your body. If you crave sex, imagine enjoying it by yourself or with your partner. If you want to dance, dance. If you want to sleep, sleep. Imagine allowing your physical needs to get met.

Now, many people believe that, if we allow ourselves to enjoy life, we will become hedonistic. I was hedonistic at one point in my life: selfishly taking everything I wanted. Trust me, it doesn’t feel good emotionally or physically, and most especially, not spiritually. Enjoyment is not hedonism -- it's simply appreciating the many gifts God gives us.

Do we really think that God wants us to feel deprived all the time? As a recovering alcoholic, I seldom feel deprived of alcohol, usually only when I am in a bad place to start with. I don’t believe in a god that desires an ascetic lifestyle; I believe in a god that wants me to be unbelievably happy. So, I am going to enjoy. I’m going to enjoy my body, and I’m going to enjoy my food. I hope that you will do the same.

Step Four

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Ah, Step Four – the first freak-out step (Nine is the next one). I have watched many people sit in the misery of dreading Step Four. I had a sponsee who finally did this Step after 2 years of hearing “you might want to Fourth Step that” from me almost every time we talked. It took me 18 months to complete my own first Fourth Step, and, even then, I was not searching and fearless (not until I had done this Step six times did I truly get searching and fearless).

Four IS scary since our egos really fight the personal responsibility thing. I was terrified I would find out just how awful I was. Instead, I found out that I am human – and so are those around me. Part of my taking responsibility includes understanding what I am not responsible for. I am not responsible for what others think of me. I am not responsible for disappointing others (especially in not getting skinny). I am, however, responsible for my own actions and motivations.

One way to do the Fourth step includes looking at our resentments, fears and sex conduct. The AABB way of looking at resentments suggests using four columns: who the resentment is toward, what happened, what it effects (such as sex relations, personal relations, pocket book, etc.), and my part. For fears, we simply list our fears. For sex conduct, we do the four columns again.

I run Step workgroups a couple of times a year. Each time, I do the Steps over some subject or another. This time, I did my Steps over fat, without really meaning to. So, I want to share the majority of my 4th with you (some is too personal for public consumption). I’ll post that later this week.

Step Four is scary, but so worth it. I have found freedom from the things I was willing to bring to light. They no longer haunt me like they used to. I don’t tend to regret or live in my past like I used to. Step Four is a necessary step on the path to freedom.

Feelings and Cravings

In her excellent book, Health At Every Size, Linda Bacon says we can’t trust cravings. I would say that, like feelings, we can’t trust cravings to tell us what is going on, but we can trust cravings to tell us something is going on.

There is a saying in the program: “feelings are not facts.” I did not understand this for the longest time. Finally, I realized that it meant just because I feel it, doesn’t mean it is real. Just because I feel like a situation in the end of the world, doesn’t mean it is. Just because I feel like I’ll never forgive that person, doesn’t mean I won’t with time. Just because I want to give up forever, doesn’t mean I will feel that way tomorrow.

Yet, feelings do tell me something is going on. If I’m angry at someone, that may tell me they did something wrong or that I did something wrong (sometimes, we get mad at others when we are the ones in the wrong) or that I am scared. If I don’t trust someone, it may be my insides warning me, or they just might remind me of someone I learned not to trust.

I think cravings work the same way. They tell me something is going on, but not always what. A great example: I kept craving Sweet Tarts. I could eat as many as I wanted and the craving was still there. If I ate a kiwi or an orange, however, the craving went away. I finally figured out that I was craving Vitamin C since I used to take a Vit C pill that tasted like Sweet Tarts. So, my body wasn’t craving what I thought it was, but it did need something.

Another example, If I don’t get enough sleep, I crave powdered-sugar donuts because I need energy. I have actually found that sleep, or at least rest, is the best way to get rid of that craving. Barring that, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich meets that craving better than the donuts do.

Sometimes, I’m craving a particular comfort food. I started explaining all about that, but I think it deserves its own blog post on another day.

I need to honor my body. If I am craving, that tells me SOMETHING is going on. Figuring out what exactly can be a mystery-solving process.

The Steps

So far, I’ve been covering a Step a month (see One, Two, and Three here). I plan on continuing to do that. However, I’ve realized that I never actually talked about the Steps in general. Because I lead Step workgroups, I have worked through this process many times. Each time I do, I find myself freer, happier and more open to life; I also find myself with less fear and resentment. Working the Steps can be an uncomfortable process, but one that is well worth moving through.

This last time I worked the Steps, I worked them from an FA perspective. Awesome, awesome stuff, I tell you. That process definitely helped me work through some old resentments while increasing my love for my body and myself.

So, how do you work the Steps from an FA point of view? Each month, I’m making suggestions for how I tend to work them, but there are actually many, many ways to work the Steps. The most common way comes out of the Big Book of AA. Al-Anon has a great guide called Paths to Recovery. I’ve never worked a bad Step, though I have gotten more growth out of some ways than others. I think intention is the key: the intention to “uncover, discover, and discard” all that nasty old stuff that has held us back.

I am not sure if any of you do actually want to work the Steps, but I encourage you to do so if you have the desire. One warning, it’s best to work the Steps with someone. Each Step has the potential to bring up uncomfortable feelings, bad memories and other issues.(There is an old saying, "the only way out is through," that I've found to be true.) Ideally, find someone who has worked the Steps before and is willing to share their experience, strength and hope. Finding someone who can handle the FA perspective might be tricky, but here are some options:

• They don’t actually have to be fat accepting, just open minded. I talk about FA stuff with my AA/Al-Anon sponsor. Even though she still buys into societal beliefs about weight loss, she is capable of putting those beliefs aside when she works with me.
• Sometimes, priests or ministers (especially Unity ministers) are versed in the Steps. However, as we well know, many spiritual people buy into the weight loss culture.
• I’ve also wondered if there might be some of you who have been in OA and become disillusioned with it. If you worked the Steps in OA, you might be able to guide someone else through the Steps from the FA perspective without having worked through them yourself. Ideally, though, we want to do it ourselves before we guide others.
• If you cannot find someone to work with you locally, you can always work with me by email (spirit_of_fa at gmx dot com). Feel free to write me about any of this stuff, in fact.

Anyway, the Steps have been a powerful healing tool for me. If you HP leads you in that direction, I encourage you to try them out.

Letting Go

I love the slogan, “Let go and Let God.” This is a slogan that has saved my butt a number of times. I so often believed that I needed to handle something when really I needed to surrender it instead. I have a friend that says, “instead of trying harder, let go harder.”

But what does letting go look like in terms of FA? For me, it has meant letting go of old ways of thinking while embracing a completely new paradigm. For instance, I have had to let go of:

• Food rules. Today, I try to trust my body rather than a predetermined set of rules, including how much I should eat, when I should eat, and ideas of good food and bad food.
• Trying to change my outsides so my insides feel better. This includes the desire to be smaller. I have finally learned that changing my body will not truly change my feelings, though I might fake it for awhile. I still fight that desire to be smaller some days, but today I know it hides an illusion, not reality.
• What people think of me. Some people will hate me on sight, for whatever reason. That has nothing to do with me, but rather with their own issues and prejudices. Some people may judge me as lacking or sick because of my body size. Again, their issue and not my own.

These are just a few of things I’ve learned to let go of and hand over to my Higher Power. I still have to do my part; I still have to take what actions I can. However, I can leave the results up to a Power that knows better than me.

Eating in Public

I tend to talk about food and to eat in public. I do this as an act of rebellion and fat activism. A woman eating in public and relishing her food is almost unheard of in our society. A fat woman eating in public and relishing her food is an act of rebellion. Fat men may have much the same experience in these days of the obesity epidemic.

Food is such a laden topic and experience for the fat person. Almost everyone I eat with notices what I eat. Few will say anything, but I get “the look”: the look of disapproval if I eat anything even slightly “fattening” or “unhealthy” or the look of approval if I eat lightly. Complete strangers judge my eating. I have a pretty strong don’t-mess-with-me air, so few actually say anything. However, I know lots of fat people who do get comments.

People can be very uncomfortable when I enjoy eating, especially fat people. One day, I was standing around with a group of acquaintances talking about local restaurants. Suddenly, my fat office mate said to me in an anguished voice, “will you please stop talking about food!” I realized that he was embarrassed for me, being ashamed of a fat person talking about food. I can’t remember what I responded at the time, but I made a conscious choice to continue talking about food in front of him. And he squirmed every time.

Part of the reason I talk about food is to reclaim pleasure. In our Puritan society, no one is supposed to actually enjoy anything – especially not women, and fat women even less. We have so much fear of our appetites; we have so much fear of allowing ourselves to enjoy life (I’ve written about this before when I wrote on Practicing Joy).

Part of the reason I talk about food is to give others the right and opportunity to do so as well. Often, fat bloggers will talk about food with relish. I believe that is because we are denied this simple pleasure in our society. Whenever I talk about food with people outside of FA, our conversation is fraught with tension. I love being able to talk about food here without all of the undercurrents.

So, if you want to be a fat activist today, try eating in public. Believe you have the right to eat: the right to eat the food your body wants, the right to enjoy that food, the right to eat as little or as much as you so desire. I encourage you to practice this act of rebellion. I have found it to a freeing experience.

Validation

I’ve been on the Fatosphere for a long time – back before it was the Fatosphere, in fact. We have some common conversations that come around every once in awhile – should diet talk be allowed, what is a fat activist, to HAES or not to HAEs, etc. -- and the death fat vs. in-betweenie vs. non-fat is a common one.

I understand this argument perhaps better than others. I spent most of my life as an in-betweenie. Then, I got sick and gained 100 pounds. Now, I am death fat. I also sponsor a number of women with eating disorders – they seem to like the way I approach body stuff, so I have a pretty good idea of the issues even a traditionally beautiful woman can face regarding body acceptance. Every size has its own worries and fears, its own horrors and horribleness. Yes, we are all in this together. But, yet, our experiences are as different as we are individual.

So, how can we get beyond this conversation? I’ve heard that “every problem comes bearing its own solution.” This problem is no exception. In fact, usually when we embrace a solution, we are stronger and not weaker in the end.

I think it may boil down to validation. We want our pain acknowledged. We want another to understand, “I hurt!” We want another to see inside and tell us we are ok anyway. What if we all just validated each other’s experiences? Could we maybe move beyond this?

As a death fat, part of me cringes at the thought. I KNOW that being death fat is a whole different experience that being an in-betweenie or a non-fat. And I’m scared my own experiences will be invalidated by this, that we will lose our focus as a community, and that a space that is precious to me will become yet another location for women to talk about how much they hate their thighs. The idea scares me a great deal. But most acts of Love the Power usually do at first. Then I see the incredible outcomes and get reminded that Love is always the solution.

I have been told to “let it begin with me.” Every time I chose to love, whatever the other person does, I will feel better about myself. Often, I see great changes as well. I am reminded of lines from what is often called The Eleventh Step Prayer (the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi):

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.

It just may be that when I choose to validate another, they may be more open to hearing my experience. I'm thinking that, by trying to understand their pain, they may be more willing to hear my pain. And, together, we may be better able to work towards acceptance for all.

So, for awhile, I’m going to try something. When someone shares with me their body angst, no matter what their size, I am going to validate it – without trying to share my own. I’m going to try and understand what THEY feel, what they have gone through, rather than trying to explain the experiences of a death fat individual. Am I sure this will work? No, I’m not. But I believe in experimenting. And, since an experiment always works better with a bigger data pool, care to join me?

Having a Human Experience

I am the sayings queen, and one I love particularly goes like this:

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

I remember the day I thought, “Why would I ever want to have a human experience?”

I do believe that I am primarily a spiritual being. I also believe that I have chosen this human experience. As to why, I have been able to look at everything in my life -- the horrors, the sadness, the griefs, the joys, the hopes, the dreams -- and been able to find a spiritual reason for all of them. So, I sat here asking myself “why would I ever choose to be fat? What spiritual purpose could I get out of such an experience?”

What spiritual purpose? Beau coups of them! I am learning to love myself when others say I am unlovable. I am learning not to base my belief in my own worthiness on another’s opinions. I am learning to listen to my body, my mind and my soul and tell the difference between all three. I am learning to listen with my heart – to hear pain in a person’s words instead of hate. I am learning to have compassion for those who treat me poorly. I am learning to show others how to love themselves, no matter what. I am learning forgiveness on a grand scale. Such lessons, lessons that I could only learn as one who is in some form outcast.

If I will look at my life from spiritual perspective, then this human experience makes sense. If I will look at my life that way, even being fat makes sense.

Step 3

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

Previous discussions on Step 1 and Step 2

The important part of Step 3 is the decision. This isn’t a decision to trust God fully. This isn’t a decision to believe what you have been told about God. This is simply a decision to explore, to attempt, to make a conscious effort in believing that there might be something bigger out there. We often express this willingness by saying the Third Step Prayer:

God, I offer myself to you to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of your Power, your Love, and your Way of life. May I do your will always!

In my experience, Step 3 is where the issues with God really show up. If God is unloving or nonexistent, how can I turn my life over? So, to work Step 3 a person has to find a way to see a God that can be trusted. I encourage any sponsees who struggle with this to explore their idea of God. If we see God as a father and had an abusive father, how on earth can we trust such a God?

My belief on the concept of a Higher Power: I have trouble conceiving the size of the solar system, let alone a universe filled with billions of galaxies filled with billions of solar systems. How am I going to comprehend something that just might be bigger than that? That being the case, we are trying to understand the un-understandable. So, how can belief be anything but personal? However a person conceives of a HP, if it works for them, great.

I don’t turn my will and my life over to my HP because I want to be GOOD. Being a good girl has never worked for me--that's a great way to bring out my rebel. I turn my will and my life over because I like the results. I feel better about me. My life tends to work better. I tend to enjoy life more.

Finally, let’s look at Step 3 in terms of body acceptance. I had to turn my body and my attitudes about my body over to my HP. I can do that by changing the wording of the prayer: "I offer my (body, attitudes towards my body, feelings about my body, etc.) to you." I practice trusting and having faith that my body has a purpose.

The key to Step 3 is willingness. Even the littlest bit of willingness to believe that there might be something out there with more power than me is enough to succeed at this Step.

Here is one way to work Step 3:

Meditation: Imagine you are a child. Where are you? What are you doing? What are you feeling? Try to be a little child again. Try to be in that place. Immediately go into the following writing exercise:

1. Finish the statement “God is…”
2. Write down the characteristics of your Higher Power as you want God to be. What do you need in a Higher Power? What are the ideal characteristics of your Higher Power?
3. Compare the two. Looking at this comparison, how might you need to change your view of a HP in order to trust that Power?
4. Say the Third Step Prayer every day for at least two weeks (longer if you can)

Too Much

Fat people are often accused of taking too much: taking up too much space, taking too much food, taking up too many health resources. We have been seen as over consumers on all levels, just taking, taking, taking. The glutton. The pig. The overeater.

To combat this when I was younger, I tried to take as little as possible. I played the martyr, even thinking I didn’t deserved to breathe air others might need. I seldom ate around others, unless there was an over-abundance of food. I tried to take up as little space as possible, trying desperately to make myself small in size and in personality.

When I entered recovery, I found the freedom to be me. I have a big personality; slowly I let that personality out more and more. Now, I normally make my presence known quickly and easily. I have learned that I deserve my fare share, be it health care or food. I do try to be giving, because I like the feeling giving with an open heart brings. However, giving is no longer a means of buying my right to live. I give because I love to give.

If you have not guessed already, I believe in affirmations, prayer and affirmative prayer. In the beginning, when I first started working on this notion of taking up space, I found I had to use all three of those actions to convince myself that I did deserve. I can remember reminding myself over and over again, “I have the right to take up space. I have the right to be treated as human. I have the right to breathe air.”

When I finally allowed myself to exist wholly, I then discovered that I needed to be me, and I do more than just take up space. The affirmation I used at that time was “be real and shine God.” As I practiced this, I did shine. I started becoming the center of attention at times. Other times, I was a leader. Seldom did I not play some part in every situation I found myself in. I spoke up. I spoke out. I TOOK UP A WHOLE LOT OF SPACE. But, because I knew I deserved it, I went ahead a spread my wings. I knew that a fat woman who loved herself and shined that message gave a great gift to the world. And most of the time today, people admire me for being myself.

I have heard a great definition of humility: being right sized. I am just as incorrect to think I am less than others to think that I am more. When I practice humility, I know longer feel less than. I also don’t need to be more than. I can just be and allow others to be also. With humility, everyone has the right to be themselves.

People seldom try to tell me that I don’t deserve to take up space these days. I’ve notice that, on the few occasions such things happen, it comes when I already feel down about myself. When I question my own right to exist, it seems that others do, too. When I know I have the basic rights of other humans, others seem to acknowledge that I do as well.

You don’t need to be a leader or a big personality unless that is who you feel you are. However, I want to encourage you to remind yourself today: You deserve to take up space. You deserve to have your needs met. You deserve to be happy. Whether you are fat or not, whether you give or not, you deserve to be in this world and to be happy being here.

Attitude

I’ve been reading some medical conversations on fat. Seeing people who talk about how wonderful weight loss has been for their health, I have to wonder how much attitude comes into it.

If a person hates their body daily, if they dread leaving the house for fear of ridicule and attack, if they believe they are unlovable and unworthy, how do they perceive their body (their health)? Negatively, of course. They will force their body past its natural boundaries: over-exercising, under-eating, denying its needs and wants. They will focus on every ache and pain. They will see natural events as weakness and proof of moral failure. And, in my experience, they will feel sicker.

On a spiritual level, I have to believe that all that negativity directed at a body affects the health of that body as well. I think this is true on a societal level also. How can all that negativity directed at fat not hurt fat peoples’ health? I think that, if we are not aware and consciously deny that negativity, we can take that negativity into our selves and allow it to make us unhealthy.

On the other hand, if a person loves (or, at least, accepts) their body as it is, if they practice being in touch with it, if they treat it gently, if they give it rest when it needs rest, if they give it food when it needs food (and don’t feel guilty for doing so), if they eat with pleasure, if they move however their body desires (as little or as much), their perception will be much different. Rather than seeing each ache and pain as proof of unworthiness/unlovableness, they just become aches and pains; instead of seeing a health problem as moral failure, they see it as a problem to be solved to the degree possible. On a spiritual level, I have found positive energy and love powerful healers, whether focused on my own body or others. Self-love is also a powerful shield against others negativity.

Whether we choose self-hate or self-acceptance, I believe our attitudes drastically change the way we treat and feel about our bodies. Is it really weight loss that has made these people feel better or is it self-love?

Spiritual and Fat

I practice spirituality. I am not religious; I subscribe to no particular religion. However, I do have a relationship with a power greater than myself, and I love reading religious and spiritual writings of all kinds.

One of the things that upset me in the spiritual community is the overall belief that, if you are fat, something must be wrong spiritually. You must be gluttonous or angry or self-loathing or any variety of “bad” things. What I do not encounter is the belief that a fat person can be spiritually enlightened or healthy.

I fought with this belief for a long time. I accepted Louise Hayes’ idea that fat is anger and tried to deal with all my anger. Worked through the vast majority of it, in fact, but still found myself fat.

I used the Overeater’s Anonymous idea that food is a drug. I worked the 12 Steps on my relationship to food. I was “abstinent” from meat and sugar for six years. Yet, I was still fat. In fact, I gained weight in that period because I refused to feed my body what it wanted.

Since I’m not real comfortable with traditional Christianity, I never tried some of the other programs like Weigh Down. However, I did buy into the idea that I must be sinning, or at least doing something wrong, when my fat didn’t go away. I bought into the idea that, to be fat, I must be sick or sinful. Surely, if I were “good” enough, I would have lost the weight. Surely, I must be doing something wrong.

I have come to see the error of my ways. Fat is not “bad” or “sinful” or “emotionally sick.” This flab is not outward evidence that I don’t love myself. Nor is it the outward evidence that I’m trying to protect myself from others. It does not show that I am emotionally or spiritually stunted.

My fat simply is. Whether caused by genetics or physical illness, it simply is my body. I can accept it, or I can make myself crazy trying to change it.

Now that I found Fat Acceptance on a spiritual basis, I feel healthier and more connected than I ever felt before. I feel more in touch with my body and with my soul. I feel enlightened and enlivened.

Most importantly, I love myself today. I love myself more than I ever could in the past. I feel less need to fit in and please others. I am able to revel in who I am: physically, emotionally and spiritually. And isn’t that why we get involved in spirituality in the first place, to be ok with ourselves and our others on this earth?

Step Two

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.

In my experience, Step Two is a process, not an event. I thought Step Two was easy until I was unemployed for nine months. During that time, I realized I believed God could, but that he wouldn’t for me. So, I had to repeat a phrase from the AA Big Book for quite awhile: “God could and would if he were sought.”

Now this is the first time the Steps introduce us to the idea of a Higher Power (HP). Having grown up in a spiritually abusive household, I had a lot of issues with the idea of God. The God of my understanding couldn’t wait to send me to hell. However, this HP doesn’t have to be the Judeo-Christian God – it can be any Higher Power. I have a Buddhist friend that considers her HP love. I have known Wiccans who’s HP was the Goddess. It simply doesn’t matter. Just so long it is a HP the person can trust. And, coming to trust this HP is a process; it takes time.

As for that unloving, vengeful God of my past: Another thing that can happen while working Step Two or Step Three, a person can discover that they don’t really trust God as they conceive of god. When I realized I didn’t trust God, I had to look at my concept of this Power. At that time, my concept was the old man in the sky who couldn’t wait to “get” me (I’ve heard that our first concept of God is often formed from our first concept of a dominant parent. My first concept definitely came from my experience of my father). I had to fire that God and envision a HP I could trust: in my case, a loving entity much like The Force with a personality. I still have to fire that god every once in awhile when I realize I’m seeing God as mean and nasty again.

The final point about Step Two: to be restored to sanity, I must have been insane in the first place. What did my insanity look like in terms of fat? Einstein said “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” Is that not a description of dieting? Not only did dieting not work, it made me fatter. Becoming fatter made me hate myself more. So I dieted more. Ack!!! Yes, I was insane.

I had a sponsor who would ask me “what does sanity look like in this situation?” Sometimes, I knew right off. Sometimes, I had to pray and meditate on that idea until the answer came. In terms of fat, sanity to me is self-acceptance. It’s working with my body as it is. It’s practicing HAES if I so desire. It’s caring and nurturing my body instead of trying to force it to be smaller.

If you want to work Step Two, here is one way you can do it:

Meditation: Contemplate your insanity. What did you do that was insane? Now, contemplate sanity. What does sanity look like? Ask your HP to show you what sanity looks like.

Writing:
1. Finish the statement, “My insanity looks like…”
2. Describe what sanity looks like
3. Name three things you can do this week to increase your faith.

Affirmation: “I believe my Higher Power can and does restore me to sanity.”

The Metaphysics of Fat Hatred and Fat Acceptance

I believe that my words have power in my life; I believe in self-fulfilling prophecy. Think about what this idea means in terms of fat hatred and fat acceptance. When our society is running around saying, “we’re too fat!” we continue to get bigger (slightly, but we are – mostly thanks to dieting). When our society is running around saying, “fat people are going to die!” they do. Granted, it’s from trying to get thin (eating disorders, bariatric surgery, etc.) or medical prejudice, but more fat people will die because society has this belief.

Every time I hear a friend say, “I need to lose weight,” or “I’m too big,” my heart hurts a little, because I know they are making that true. It doesn’t mean they are making themselves fatter, though, through dieting and the disordered eating it creates, they might be doing just that. What they are really saying is, “my body is unacceptable as it is.” And when I said things like that in the past, I found myself in situations where that was true: with a husband who thought I was too fat at 140 lbs and anorexic (I’m almost 5’9”), around people who criticized my body size, being convinced that losing weight is the only way to improve a health problem (when better alternatives are available, but I could not see them because I thought I was too fat).

Now, I remember trying to affirm myself to a size that would be accepted by society. I used affirmations like, “I’m thin” and “I wear size 8.” Those affirmations never worked. Maybe, because I did not place force behind the words. Maybe, because it wasn’t thinner that I really wanted. What I really wanted was to be loved, to be known, to be respected, to be liked, to feel good about myself – things like that. So, I was sending the Universe mixed messages. I was saying, “make me thin” while I was feeling, “make me acceptable and worthy.”

When using affirmations, it is important that I affirm what it is I truly want. For instance, do I want money or do I want the things I think money will bring me? Do I really want that new vehicle, or do I want the respect and admiration of others? Do I want that degree, or do I want the opportunity to teach? Sometimes, seeing what I really want makes me rethink my desires. For instance, seeking the approval of others is usually a disaster for me. When I focus on what I really want, I put the force of desire behind the words, making them much more affective.

Today, I try to be very careful what I say about my body. I say, “I love my body as it is” and find that most days, I do. I say, “I’m the perfect size for me today,” and find that I am comfortable in my body. I say, “I am lovable and desirable as I am.” Not only do I feel that today – often feeling sexy or beautiful all on my own, but I have a man in my life who treats me like I am sexy and desirable.

Affirmations do not always work quickly, especially when we are trying to undo something we’ve said for decades. However, I have found them to be an invaluable tool in my journey towards self and fat acceptance.

Responding to Diet Talk

Last week, I wrote about the temptation to diet as I am surrounded by diet talk. I’ve been thinking about that some more. Why do I fall into that? I start being tempted to diet partially because I just don’t know how to respond to diet talk. I tend to think I only have two options: conform or fight. And I really hate to fight these days, though I will when needed.

I have to remember that more options are available to me. As I have been thinking about this and came up with an idea. Al-Anon encourages the loved ones of alcoholics to mind our own business and let alcoholics figure it out for themselves. This is an idea Al-Anon calls “detachment.” I think I have to do this for chronic dieters as well. The idea is to let someone see that their behavior isn’t working on their own; it never works to try and force someone into my way of thinking. At times, they see it quickly. Some folks will NEVER get it. Either way, I am more serene if I don’t push my ideas onto someone else.

Because so many people do not realize that not dieting is even an option, I respond once with some statistics (“dieting doesn’t work %95, even if it is for your health”). However, if they know what I think about dieting and still insist on spouting diet talk to me, then the noncommittal responses come out. Here are some I have come up with:

• You might be right (you can think, “snowball’s chance in hell” without saying it)
• I’ll be interested in seeing how that works for you (one of my favorites)
vGuess we’ll see
• Talk to me in (3, 6, 9) months.
• Talk to me in 5 years.
• I’m not comfortable talking about this.
• Please don’t talk to me about this.
• Diet talk sets off my eating disorder.
• I understand your need to diet, but please don’t talk to me about it.
• Hmmmm
• I can see why you would think that.

If nothing else, I can change the subject. If they insist on talking about their diet, which some diet evangelists will, then I can simply walk away if need be. If someone respects me so little, why should I put up with them? The important thing is that I not take it personally. Our society has done a good job brainwashing everyone to think the diet-binge-guilt cycle should be a lifestyle. It takes a determined and brave person to change that thinking.

So, anyway, diet talk is a pain, but, today, I don’t have to put up with it. Detachment is a wonderful tool to use when confronted by a diet evangelist!

The Number on the Scale

Thursday I went to the doctor for the first time in almost a year. That is the only time I get weighed. When I first started fat acceptance, a time when I was very sick and gaining a lot of weight, I chose to not know my weight. When I finally stepped on the scale, I was 100 lbs heavier. That was a shock. Well, Thursday I stepped on the scale. I was about as heavy as I’ve ever been. My first thought was, “OMG, I have to diet!” Luckily, I have second thoughts today.

That number on the scale engenders fear: fear that I will be “too big” (whatever too big is), fear that I will be socially unacceptable, fear that I am fucked up beyond all redemption. So, I respond to fear like I do to many things: If I change my outsides, my insides will feel better. But, I know that doesn’t work. So, I think again.

The best way for me to handle a, “I’m too fat moment,” is to remind myself that there is no such thing as too fat, that my body is the perfect size for me, that I am exactly where I should be today. Then, I go get a bunch of binge food (foods that used to be forbidden) and give myself full permission to eat it all. I do this because, if I start thinking about dieting, I will overeat for sure. I will find myself stuffed and miserable and beating myself up. If I give myself full permission to eat whatever I want, I tend to eat a little and then stop.

So, I went and got these really yummy cupcakes, a dozen small ones. I gave myself full permission to eat them all. I ate three. Three days later, the leftovers are turning into hard little bricks in my kitchen. I can eat them if I want. I can throw them out if I want. The key is knowing I will never diet again.

Much of this process came from where I started – with Hirschmann and Munter’s Overcoming Overeating. I practice HAES for the most part today. I like treating my body well. I like choosing nutritious foods. However, if emotions are involved, I will overeat if I try to restrict at all. So, I run back to full permission; I run back to permission to be a “bad fatty.” I have to have that permission if I am going to keep respecting my body. I have to have that permission to overcome the fear.

I also have to address the fear. I have been taught that there is a solution to fear: hand it over to my Higher Power. I can face it and do what I fear with the help of my HP. I hand it over by saying the fear prayer (inspired by the AA Big Book): “God, please remove this fear and turn my attention to what you would have me be.” Then, I face my fear by allowing myself to become bigger, if that is what I need to do. I face that fear by allowing myself to eat too much, if that is what I need to do. I face that fear by allowing myself to remain fat, to remain myself.

And my weight, that’s just a number on the scale. It means absolutely nothing beyond that. It does not define my worth; nor does it define my sin. It simply is.

Temptation

I find the diet season hard. I watch as brilliant, intelligent, loving people fall prey to the “change your body and you’ll change your life” (Hircshmann and Munter) idea. This year, it will be different. This diet will work. This time, I won’t gain the weight back. And, the best one of all: I’m doing it for my health so this time I will succeed.

Sigh.

If I’m honest, I’m tempted. I’m tempted to fall back into that idea that yes, there is some way I will not have a fat body. Yes, I too will be thin. Yes, I can be accepted on sight. Yes, I must lose weight to be healthy.

Except, I can’t. Thirty years of dieting left me with a binge eating disorder and the heaviest I had ever been. I KNOW that dieting will only make me crazy, not thinner. I don’t need to fail yet again to find out that this time will not be different. And, I cannot fall into the body hate that comes with the dieting lifestyle ever again. I will never go back to that insanity.

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. As I watch my friends in their insanity, I’m tempted to join in; I'm tempted to believe the lie. It is so very attractive. However, today I know that it won’t work. The sleeper has awakened to reality and can no longer live in the dream. Dieting fails. The temptation to try it once again is a temptation to insanity.

Step One

“We are powerless over alcohol and our lives are unmanageable.” That is the wording of the original Step One in AA. So, as a fat person, what am I powerless over?

Overeaters Anonymous says they are powerless over food, but I have not found that to be true. When I denied myself what my body wanted or gave it less food than it needed, I did find that I ended up obsessing and binging. However, I believe that is a normal physical reaction to starvation. When I started paying attention to my body’s needs, I stopped binging and obsessing about food.

I have found that I am powerless over the thought, “my life would be better if only I (insert physical change here).” I have thought my life would be better if I were not so fat. I have thought it would be better if I just didn’t have such pronounced hips and thighs. I’ve thought it would be better if I wasn’t so tall, if I had curlier hair, if my nose was shorter, etc. etc. etc. Our society teaches us that we will be happier if we only change x or get y. You see, it’s a great way to sell us stuff, for us to always need something else to be happy.

So, for me, I am powerless over the thought that some physical change will bring me happiness. Whenever I buy into that idea, I become obsessed and my life becomes unmanageable. I have come to believe that, fundamentally, I only have power over my attitude and my willingness. However, recognizing that has taken me from a life of obsessive hell to being pretty content today. In terms of body acceptance, that means I cannot change my body, but I change my attitude towards it. And today, I’m pretty ok with my body.

Here are some ideas on how to work Step One in terms of body acceptance:

1) Write down five times you obsessed over something outside your inner being (a physical characteristic or an item) thinking that, if you only had or changed that you would be happy. Did you get it? How did you feel when you got it? For instance, I was just sure that, if I could ever be “normal” size, I would be happy. However, one of the most miserable times in my life happened when, during a bout of anorexia, I actually made it to slender.

2) Is your life unmanageable when you obsess over changing a body characteristic? How? Give some examples from your own life? For me, the dieting always led to binging – talk about unmanageable. Stuffing my face compulsively was such a horrible feeling.

3) If you feel comfortable doing so, you may want to say some version of the first step daily for awhile, maybe “I’m powerless over things external to my inner being, my life is unmanageable by me.” I say, “I am powerless over everything but my attitude; my life is unmanageable by me alone.”

It’s not that we are trying to give up control, but rather we are trying to give up the illusion of control. My body was never going to be slender for long. Trying to control my size led to misery and self-hate.

I didn’t love my fat body quickly; it was a process. However, the first step I had to take was I quit trying to change my feelings by trying to change my body.